...(This part is the most difficult for me to write because of being in and out of consciousness during the whole ER experience, making it difficult for things to come together. I had to ask several people to fill in some holes. It is also a very emotional memory.)
The doctors and nurses wheeled me out of that room to a small corner of the ER where they began to explain to me all of the possible problems I may be experiencing... most of them explained that sometimes, after giving birth, women will get blood clots. They believed that I had one in my lungs and wanted to take me to get a CT scan. However, they still needed to get an IV in me before running anymore tests. They kept trying in different places all over my body, and it was excruciatingly painful! I became very agitated by all the poking. I was still trying to stay sitting up at this point, and they were still pushing me back down. The next thing I remember, two people came over to me; KJ and a nurse wearing navy blue scrubs (you will later learn that God specifically sent her to me). KJ was talking with nurses and doctors. I couldn't get his attention. I needed him to explain to them why I could not lay down because I couldn't explain for myself. That is when I noticed the nurse in navy blue also wearing a beautiful cross necklace. She came up to me and asked what she could do to make me more comfortable. She explained that she was a respiratory nurse. She could see that I was having a hard time breathing and that I could not lay down. At that point she requested to all doctors and nurses to leave me sitting up... what a relief that was for me, what a "nice nurse". She then asked if she could cut my top off so they could get a gown on me and take me for a CT scan of my lungs. I quickly nodded my head... the nurses were still bustling, poking, prodding, trying to place an IV. As the "nice nurse" quickly cut my clothes off (another flashback of Grey's Anatomy), KJ looked over and I could not help but be scared by the look on his face. My heart broke for him, not being able to help me the way he always does when I don't feel well. Finally, the nurses gave up on trying to get the second IV in, and began wheeling me down the halls of the hospital. The "nice nurse" reassured me that she wouldn't leave me, another huge relief. This is where I begin losing consciousness.
I remember being wheeled down hallways that seemed to last forever. My inability to breath, got worse, I became more scared as I realized that I don't remember telling KJ that I loved him as they wheeled me away. Then my body began to shut down. Just as we entered the CT room, I lost all fluids. It was a very strange feeling. Most people might think that I might have just peed my pants, which is what I told the nurse had happened through gasping breaths, even though something was telling me deep down that it was much more than that. It was. It was coming out from everywhere and wasn't stopping no matter what I did to try and stop it. I literally lost all control of my body functions. I was very scared but didn't want to show it. I remember thinking that I needed to be strong in order to get through this for my baby girl and my husband. I decided to tell the "nice nurse", in more detail, what was happening to me. As I tried to explain through my struggled breathing, she looked down and realized how worried I was and reassured me that everything would be ok, and that she pees her pants every time she sneezes... I was so blessed in this moment to realize that she was 100% by my side, there for me no matter what. She told me I would have to lay down with my arms over my head for the CT, but that she would stay in the room with me and hold my hand if I wanted her to... of course I nodded yes. I was praying during that time and don't really remember much but hearing some noises and someone coming over the loud speaking saying there was no clot and that the X-Ray room was ready for me, my eyes went black.
When I regained consciousness, I was in the X-Ray room and the "nice nurse" was explaining to me that they were going to take an X-Ray of my chest and that she would have to leave me for a second during the X-Ray but would be in a little room with a window so I could see her the whole time. Since I couldn't lay down a technician had to hold me in place. Before they could get the X-Ray I began to get sick. I was throwing up bubbly fluid that was redish-pink. I thought I was throwing up blood... I looked over at the "nice nurse" and she reassured me I was going to be ok, explained to the other nurses in medical terms what was coming up, then left the room again so the technician could get the X-Ray of my chest. I don't remember the X-Ray being taken.
When I woke up next, I was in a small room, surrounded by many doctors, nurses, scary curtains, and as I looked over to the left, I saw KJ and a few family members. The "nice nurse" was slowly explaining to me that I needed to slow down my breathing for her and for my baby at home. I remember thinking to myself, this must be more serious than I thought... she was needing me to survive for my daughter. I remember slumping over and feeling like I couldn't continue the struggle.
The next time I awoke, there were loud machines and a lady doctor in my face telling me that if I didn't slow down my breathing they were going to sedate me and put me on life support! The "nice nurse" was very upset by this news and began to literally beg and plead with the doctor to give me some more time to slow down my breathing. This is when the "nice nurse" got down in my face, held my hand, looked me right into the eyes and told me that I really needed to slow down my breathing so that I could see my baby again. She told me that she believed in me, that she knew I was strong enough and that she would fight for me not to go on life support as long as I would try. I tried. It felt like maybe only a total of 2 seconds and the machines quieted. The "nice nurse" was telling the lady doctor that I was able to do it and didn't need sedation. My eyes went black.
When I awoke the next time, the "nice nurse" was explaining that she was going to put a mask on me. It was going to be very awkward. It was going to breath for me. I needed to not fight it. I needed to slow down my breathing even more with it. She put it on and told me it would shoot air down my throat and up my nose. She would start it slow then turn it up as much as I could handle it. Once she placed it on me, I thought it looked like the mask that Tom Cruise wore in Top Gun (a favorite movie of mine) when he was flying the jet. From then on, in my mind, the face mask was called the "Jet Pack". Once she turned it on, it did exactly what she said it would do. I felt like I was on a very fast roller-coaster that was making my face and lips flap in the wind. Once I relaxed, I was able to let it do the breathing for me and I figured out how to allow more air into my lungs by taking breathes at certain times. I was instantly relieved and felt a bit more relaxed. My eyes went black.
I awoke to my dad down in my face, since I was still slumped over but sitting up. He was rubbing my leg and telling me to be strong. His face was strong. That made me strong. I looked over and saw KJ. I wanted him to come be by my side. My eyes went black.
KJ was by my side. I was trying to remember the ASL letters to sign Harper's name to him so he could reassure me that she was ok. I got through the "H", the "A", "R", then I forgot how to sign the "P". I just continued to sign the rest of her name, "E", "R". He wasn't understanding what I was signing. So he asked for a pen and paper. My mom rummaged her purse and when she gave it to me I wrote "Harper". He reassured me she was fine. Then I began losing consciousness again, but apparently began to write very silly things that didn't make sense and had nothing to do with my situation. My eyes went black.
An ECHO technician was by my side with his machine, the same machine they had used on Harper before leaving the hospital. He was trying to do the ECHO while I was sitting up. He tried over and over and finally told me that I would have to lay down. I refused. I had finally been given a little bit of relief and I wasn't about to give that up. The lady doctor threatened me again with the fact that I would have to go on life support if I didn't lay down. The "nice nurse" couldn't fight for me on this one. They absolutely needed the ECHO. I looked over at a new doctor and he was explaining something to my family and KJ. All I heard were the words, "cardiac arrest". My eyes went black.
I awoke in peace. A peace I don't ever remember feeling before. It wasn't a struggle to breathe. However doctors and nurses were very loud around me. They were saying I was going to have to be put on life support. They were arguing with the "nice nurse" who was asking them not to and reading out medical numbers to convince them she was right. I remember feeling like they had forgotten I was there. ( I was told this is what I did)... I raised my hand, nodded yes, and laid down and leaned in the direction of the ECHO technician, giving him permission to do the ECHO. I laid there, peaceful, not gasping for breath, for over 10 minutes. What I do remember is laying down and agreeing with the Lord that, yes, I was strong enough to do this. HE was with me always. HE gave me strength. It was the most peaceful feeling I have had ever in my life.
I awoke in the ICU, with KJ by my side, my "Jet Pack" still on my face, "nice nurse" gone. I spent four long days and nights in the ICU missing my baby girl, thanking God for my life.
The doctors finally agreed that I had Postpartum Cardio Myopathy. A heart attack due to giving birth. It is a rare condition. Because of my heart attack, my lungs had filled with fluid and I was literally drowning inside.
I found out later that the "nice nurse" had found my family in the waiting before leaving her shift. She told them that she was leaving her shift and heading to her Bible Study group. She would pray for me there.
A couple days into my stay in the ICU, the "nice nurse" came and found me. We both cried when we saw each other again. I asked what church she went to, she told me Valley Baptist... that is where KJ and I attend.
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